So, it has literally been 10 months since my last post. I guess I just got tired of the political sphere we’ve found ourselves in, realized there’s not too much that can be done except praying, voting, writing, etc.
So why the resurgence in my desire to write? Maybe because a few things have changed, maybe because I feel I have some time back on my hands and maybe just because it is a Monday – I’ve fluffed the socks, done the dishes and am waiting for my wonderful bride to come home. Who knows. Who knows if anyone actually reads this thing anymore besides me. Ehh – such is life.
Friendship. I posted on my facebook page today that I was “amused at the moment. Not in a humorous way, but also not quite in a shocked way; more of a disappointed pondering.” You see, there are times in your life when because of past experiences you can almost anticipate the results before hand, yet continue to hope for the best in the meantime. Then, as if history has cruelly repeated itself, your predictions are proved true and your thesis confirmed, and you want to be disappointed, yet you can’t. You wish you were surprised, yet you’re ambivalent because you knew what was coming all along.
So what does friendship have to do with this? Well, without giving you the complete autobiography of JLS, suffice it to say for this abridged version of my 26 years, that I have found myself in instances when “friends” turn against you because of environmental changes. People claiming to be my best friends for years, suddenly not speaking to you because you no longer have one time in common. I have various theories on this – one of them is that most people are afraid to have any confrontation (don’t read this as argument, read it as having intense conversation when disagreements may surface), therefore they shun you. This can be delved into deeper in a later post.
You see, in my mind, there are friendships that God brings into your life for a time, an era in your journey through this life. There are some friends that will last forever and some that last one week; like when you move into a dorm, your frat house, your first job, the short term friends that help you acclimate yourself to your surroundings. There are also friends that are long term friends, those throughout high school, college, or a decade in time. You may gradually loose touch, but nothing was actually coming between you and those friends other than distance – geographical, life stages – whatever that distance may be. The other form of friendship are the ones you think you can count on. They are the current friendships that have developed because of your environment. You’re close, there is nothing that is fundamentally changing in your relationship and these are people you would expect to be your friends through thick and thin, and have told you that.
It seems this latter type of friendship has been tested more in my life than others. You see, I’ve moved around a bit, I’ve been to three different colleges, I’ve changed jobs quite a bit and those short term friendships have been incredible and they are experiences I will always enjoy. I have long term friends – my best friend I have now known for 13 years, we live about a thousand miles apart but we have some amazing connection that when we talk it’s as if we’re living next door the whole time. However, the here and now relationships have been the most fragile – the ones I would expect to be the deepest. Why?
Here’s where my awareness of history repeating itself comes into play. You see, the friendships that have quite often been amputated with one singular event have been those within a specific church. Many of you are cringing at this point. You’re one of two people – one who says “see, those hypocrite Christians are no different and will drop you like a rock.”; the other says “you shouldn’t be airing this in the open, it’s like you’re having an argument in the middle of the street with your pastor.”. To both, I say – stop. Just listen to what I have to say. You’re both right, and you’re both wrong at the same time.
Just recently my aforementioned amazing wife and I decided that we probably were being drawn to a new church, not knowing which one that may actually be. We have been at our current church for three years now and love the people, love the pastor and have friends that are close as family (not to mention family) that attend there as well. However, we’re being drawn elsewhere for various reasons that have no bearing on this post. When we started having a discussion about this six months ago, I had a feeling that as soon as we were no longer there every Sunday, the “friends” that we had would cut us out. We’d be blackballed.
We’ve now been at a different church for nearly three months now. We’ve had two elders, a pastor and one good friend that have called or gotten together with us to ask. Let me just say that I was actually shocked and glad that the leaders of the church noticed we were not there and were willing to sit down and talk with us – whether or not they agree with us is fine, but at least they asked. Our “friends” however I’m more shocked with. There are about 10 couples that I wanted to imagine would at least give us a “what’s up” on facebook, or send a text message or something of that ilk. However, as I said, only one couple has actually sought us out and allude that they still care about us and our friendship.
Now, can we do more to reach out to these friends? Sure, no doubt. However what becomes comical is that you and your family nearly become the untouchables when you decide to leave a church. Is this really what a friendship is based on? Is this really how shallow our relationship was?
Back to the two types of people reading this post. To those that scream “hypocrites”. I say – yep. But I also say, it shouldn’t be that way. Friendship, especially those in a Christian community should not be based solely on where you go to church. Christian friendship should be the deepest ones we have, they should be the first people to call and ask if you’re OK. They should be the safest and ones that are willing to be the messiest. However, we are in a world that has a lot of hurts, hangups and fear. Thus, when faced with uncomfortable situations, most people, Christian or unchristian, tend to run. Ignore it and the hurt will never surface. So, we have friendships that wash out to sea because people are too afraid to have those “confrontational” conversations.
To those of you who cry “you shouldn’t air this publicly, this is between you and a brother in Christ” I say. Wrong. This is a widespread issue that a symptom of Christians being unwilling to have deep friendships that are based on PEOPLE not an ENVIRONMENT. Have the tough conversations and have a base of understanding that you can move forward to. People that do not worship in the same place are not lepers. If you notice you friends have not been around in three months, what’s wrong with calling them (as you used to). If Christ is the King, you have every reason to have a friendship – and we know that Christ is the King.
As I said, it is an unfortunate fact that I have now had friendships that I have been cut off from. I have been made the leper because of my decision to worship every week at a different church. So much so, that people who called me every week, haven’t called me in 12; people that came to a small group study at my house, no longer come; friends that once seemed to care have now proved that they never actually cared enough to get messy in my own life.
I have a saying, give someone a few beers and you’ll find out who they really are. I guess in a sense I could say (unfortunately) that if you want to test a friendship in a church – leave the building and find out who calls to check in. You see, what makes these friendships different from the ones that are short-term is the fact that they have been established, they have been proved to be more than acclimation catalysts, they are “real”. Nothing has caused a chasm, nothing has caused a falling out per se, simply a change in worship venue has caused a breaking up – something that is truly petty.
Bottom line, I know that not every person I meet will be my lifelong best friends. However, I also know that friendships should not cease simply because we no longer go to church together. Even if it did mean that we had less in common – a friend calls someone to check to make sure they’re OK. How do you know that we, other families, etc… that have not been around for months have not had a major health issue, are not in some great need and if you really care for them should you not ensure that they are not in need of something you can help with?
Maybe this is just venting, but maybe not. Have friendships grown so shallow that, as a friend of mine recently said, “because of recent events in my life, I have past “friends” that won’t touch me with a ten foot pole.”. Aren’t real friends those that come into the slough of despond to help rake you out, walk along side you in some way be an encouragement and at the very least, shouldn’t a Christian friend be willing to face the tough side of life with another friend?
One Comment
Hey friend. I still love ya!